A quick review of Battleship with spoilers.
The last couple of years I have become more and more disenfranchised with movies known as "Summer Blockbusters". In the days of my youth these movies were the pinnacle of the movie season and I couldn't wait to stand in line for 2 hours just so I could be the first kid on my block to claim that he saw The Running Man*. I knew these were not the best that Hollywood could make but they were big, loud, and entertaining. For me the summer blockbuster peaked with Independence Day. It had everything a true blockbuster could need; big stars*, big action*, big plot*, and even bigger plot holes*. After that it seemed that every blockbuster to me was just another sequel to Independence Day. Sure, plots and settings were different but they all used the same basic plot devices and characters types every year. The only reason I still go is because it has been a ritual with my Dad and brother to see at least two of these movies each summer. Battleship was the first of these movies.
So we start with our hero, in this case Alex Hopper(Taylor Kitsch) who is truly a rebel without a cause. He has no direction, no ambition, no cares, and no self responsibility. Sounds like a loser but he is a loser with serious upside potential, at least according to his Navy brother, Commander Stone Cooper*(Alexander Skarsgård). Right when everything in life seems just so bleak in walks one of God's finer creations to catch our hero's attention, Brooklyn Decker*. So what does our hero do? Why he makes an ass out of himself trying to impress and get her full attention. And of course, it works*. What woman doesn't want a guy who is willing to commit felonies in order to get her a chicken burrito? Just think what he is willing to do to get her a diamond ring. So to summarize, our hero gets his girl, pisses off his brother in the process, and ends up joining the Navy. Oh by the way*, the girl's Dad happens to be the United States Pacific Fleet Commander, Admiral Shane(Liam Neeson*). We do get a great scene of Brooklyn Decker straddling(clothed) our hero as he lies in the sand. I don't know what they were talking about but it was a great scene, and at this point I don't really care.
So now our hero is in the Navy(taking part in RIMPAC*) and we get an endless barrage of scenes designed to do two things; 1) our hero is still incapable of making smart decisions and 2) everybody is pissed because they know deep down there is a great man waiting to emerge. We have the soccer scene* with our arch-rivals the Japanese* in which our hero threatens to kill a fellow Navy man* so he can kick the game tying penalty shot but our hero's brother allows it because we all know there is a great man ready to emerge. We have the ceremony scene* that our hero and his girl(the ravishing Brooklyn Decker) are not only late to but also somewhat disrupt the speech given by United States Pacific Fleet Commander Admiral Shane. But all of this is all right because we know there is a great man waiting to emerge. After the ceremony our hero ends up in a bathroom brawl with his nemesis, Capt. Nagata* which leads them both into an ass-chewing from United States Pacific Fleet Commander Admiral Shane*. But don't worry, United States Pacific Fleet Commander Admiral Shane dismisses every one else from the room and then proceeds to explain how disappointed he is in our hero because he knows there is a great man waiting to emerge. And also because out hero can quote Homer. To top it all off, after the fleet has set sail, our hero is called to his brother's ship so our hero can be told that he is being kicked out of the Navy after RIMPAC is over. Will our hero be able to redeem himself and prove that he is the great man that everybody knows is waiting to emerge*?
Long story short: the aliens splash down, blow things up real good, kill the hero's brother in the process, and establish a force field leaving only our hero, his nemesis Nagata, and rag-tag group of sailors as our planets only defense. One way or another all the survivors end up on one boat and float around trying to decide what to do. For some reason or another, none of the radar or advanced weapon targeting systems work so luckily Nagata has another way of tracking the aliens that apparently the Japanese have been doing to us Americans for years*. So instead of relying on the technology we have been accustomed to the rag-tag group of sailors must rely on their wits and old fashion know how to save the day. And also a guy named Ordy*. So even though the alien ships can survive long, interstellar flight, splash down, multiple machine gun fire, and the occasional 5inch gun, all it took was a couple of sniper rifles to shatter their windshield. If the aliens only weakness was direct sunlight you would think they would forgo the windshield and use whatever technology that their shredders use to see.
Oh yeah*, Brooklyn Decker is still around and not just as eye candy. As she and her client go hiking they encounter some security officials* who tell her to stay off the mountain with the giant communication array but purposely leave one of their vehicles behind* to "block the road". Of course no one is going to tell Brooklyn and her client what to do so they are going to investigate and end up finding themselves neck deep in aliens. They also run into the last remaining science guy* from the communications array on top of the mountain they are on. He, and he alone has the ability to send a message through the force field that is blocking all other communication. But, alas, he was born without any courage so he musters what he can to get the device he needs to send the message but whimpers out* when it is time to confront the aliens at the communication array. They were able to send a message to our hero that he needs to destroy the array on this mountain or more aliens will arrive to finish off the Earth. But Brooklyn is on that mountain so our hero is dealing with some serious inner turmoil right now.
So with Brooklyn's message in tow and their destroyer destroyed in their last confrontation with the aliens we finally get to the reason this movie is called Battleship and not EveryOtherShipintheNavy*. With an actual battleship it is time to take on the biggest of the alien ships and save the world from alien manifest destiny. So a 60 year old boat takes on a state of the art alien death ship, guess who wins? The anti-technology groups that's who. This movie once again proves that over reliance on technology will be our downfall. This movie wasn't a summer blockbuster, it was a warning that we shouldn't be so proud of this technological terror we've constructed, the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of poorly constructed plots that somehow have to tie in a 60 year old boat so they can call the movie Battleship. Oh yeah, our hero doesn't get kicked out of the Navy but is awarded medals for allowing that great man to finally emerge.
*The Running Man- In honor of Richard Dawson, RIP.
*big stars- Will Smith, Bill Pullman, a whole who's who of B-listers, and of course personal fave Adam Baldwin.
*big action- BOOM goes the giant space ship!
*big plot- The aliens thought they could attack us around the 4th of July? The time of year when everybody is feeling patriotic and can't wait to blow things up.
*plot holes- This is a story for another time.
*Stone Cooper-You just know something bad is going to happen to him right? Arl of Foreshadow: Yes, yes there is.
*Brooklyn Decker- I didn't even bother to find out her character's name. You can go investigate if you want, if it is that important to you.
*it works- If making an ass out of yourself in front of the ladies worked in real life then I wouldn't be cooped up in my room writing this.
*by the way- Big Coincidence #1: The rebel without a cause falls head over heels in love with a girl who's dad is one of the biggest bosses of the military wing that not only the brother is in but also the hero himself is about to join to learn some direction in life.
*Liam Neeson- Seriously, why is he in this movie? He has little screen time and generic military-boss type lines. Wasn't R. Lee Ermey available?
*RIMPAC- RIM of the PACific Exorcise is a real thing.
*soccer scene- This scene also establishes two other plot points. 1) Our hero has a personal nemesis in the form of a Japanese captain named Nagata. 2) Rihanna is both sexy and fierce as a fellow shipmate of our hero.
*Japanese- I guess they couldn't get the North Koreans to join RIMPAC even for pretendsies.
*Navy man- Which I am pretty sure would get you thrown in the brig.
*ceremony scene- We also get a little exposition as to the differences between a battleship and a destroyer. Also I think any Navy man who did this in real life would also get thrown in the brig.
*Capt. Nagata- Do you think our hero and his nemesis can put their childish rivalry behind them in time to pull together as a team and save the planet? Arl of Foreshadow: Yes, yes they can.
*Shane- Oh yeah, our hero is also trying to work up the courage to ask United States Pacific Fleet Commander Admiral Shane his permission to marry Brooklyn Decker so this scene has a lot of underlying tension.
*emerge- Arl of Foreshadow: Yes, yes he does.
*for years- See why they are our arch-rivals?
*Ordy- Boatswain Mate Seaman Jimmy 'Ordy' Ord- Big Coincidence #2: So Ordy was looking through the helmet of one the aliens that they had captured and later killed when it suddenly dawned on him to think about his pet lizard who he had taken to the beach this one time only to discover that his lizard didn't like sunlight so naturally when he looked through the helmet and noticed that the visor was just big sunglasses therefore the aliens can not stand direct sunlight just like his pet lizard so he reported all of this to our hero who will probably use this info to his advantage. Arl of Foreshadow: Yes, yes he will.
*Oh yeah- Big Coincidence #3: So Brooklyn is not only drop dead gorgeous but she is also an excellent physical therapist who specializes in war veterans and is currently working with a man who has lost both his legs and now is learning to use artificial devices but has lost his will because "I'm half a man and half a man ain't enough to be a soldier" so she decides to take him on a hike up the mountain that the only communication device that the aliens can use to phone home on is located on.
*security officials- Toasted by the aliens.
*vehicles behind- Will that vehicle become a major plot point later? Arl of Foreshadow: Yes, yes it will.
*science guy- The film makers did a great job of digitally recreating a young Jeff Goldblum. Must of been a homage to Independence Day.
*whimpers out- He keeps going on about being scared and spineless. Will he muster enough courage to save his comrades when they need him most? Arl of Foreshadow: Yes, yes he will.
*EveryOtherShipintheNavy- Big Coincidence #4- So not only is there a crew ready on the Mighty Mo but also fuel, live ammunition(HUH?), and enough hi-powered torches to cut through the large chains holding the ship to the docks.
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