On Saturday, Biscuit was her usual self albeit a little sluggish.
On Sunday, she only ate a partial helping of her food.
On Monday, she didn't eat at all.
On Tuesday, she still didn't eat at all
On Wednesday, her Vet didn't like the image on the x-ray.
On Thursday, she was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer that had already spread to three of her organs and was shutting them down.
On Friday, I laid her to rest.
That's it. In less than a week my best friend went from a fun-loving, lil' dog to...a shell of herself. She was at the point where all the vet said I could do was give her pain meds and try to feed her manually. But all that was going to do was delay and I wasn't going to let her suffer and wilt to nothing just to keep me from having to grieve for her. She spent one more night sleeping in my lap as I sat in my chair, her quietly sleeping while I sat up thinking about what had to be done the next day. We walked one more time around her yard, letting her investigate every nook and cranny, every corner and smell, it was her private paradise. She laid in her chair, on her blanket one more time, where she was most comfortable.
We drove to the Vet one more time...
Biscuit isn't the first dog I've had to lay to rest and she will not be the last. It doesn't get any easier though. After every passing you remember the pain and heartbreak and you want to bond that much stronger with your new dog knowing, deep down, that one day it will end. After every passing you want to cherish your new dog all that much more, vowing to never take them for granted because you know, deep down, it will not last forever. That's why they never get any easier. But we still need those friends in our lives. We still need that unconditional love and companionship, someone to always be happy to see you walk through your door. Those 5, 10, 15 maybe 20 years are worth all the grief we will go through later that in the backs of our minds we know is going to happen. We know some day we might have to make that decision that all pet owners hope they never have to make but, deep down, know they will. But we still need those friends in our lives. It is all worth it.
What made this passing even harder was that for the first time in my life, I was completely alone. When I lived with my parents, all us kids had our own dog plus there were also "family dogs". There was always more than one wagging tail to keep your spirits up. When I finally moved out and was faced with the passing of my dog with me before Biscuit, my brother and his dog were staying with me. So I still had someone to greet me at the door, tail wagging. But now? Nothing. My house is empty and felt even emptier some how when I came home today. It hit me hard again, really hard. I had all weekend to grieve and thought I had most of the crying out of my system but that feeling when I walked through my door after work and nothing was one of the worse feelings I had felt in a very long time.
Most of my dogs had always been the "free to a loving home" type but Biscuit was the first one that I had actually paid money for. My maternal grandfather had a Beagle when I was growing up and he was the coolest lil' dog ever. That dog was happy to see everybody, I mean everybody. Worse guard dog ever but the best for a bunch of young grand kids wanting to play. I had a childhood fondness for Beagles so when word got to me through other people that they new a family who was selling Beagle pups I jumped at the opportunity. Biscuit was the only one left, the runt who nobody wanted. But I wanted her and she was happy to be wanted. It was me and her vs. the world and that was how we liked it. Both of us were the outsiders nobody wanted but we were happy.
The void left by Biscuit both in my life and in my home has been very unsettling. I miss my lil' one very, very much but the nothingness is driving me crazy. The county animal shelter is down the street from where I work, maybe I'll stop by tomorrow. I know the inevitable will happen but I still need that friend in my life.
