The Wire Season 6: Playball!

So for the past week or so I have been re-watching the excellent TV series The Wire and the other night while watching a baseball game a thought occurred; what would a baseball team created only with characters from The Wire look like?  So without further ado, here is what I came up with.

Starting Pitcher: Ellis Carver .  He starts out as a young gun relying on pure physical stuff to try and dominate the players but over time he learns how to harness his ability and use his head as well as his arm becoming a complete player.

Catcher: Thomas "Herc" Hauk.  Who else is Carver going to trust behind the plate?  They were brought up together and formed that special pitcher/catcher relationship that only the good ones ever develop. Besides, doesn't Herc just look like someone who ought to be catching?  Grinds out at bats so well that announcers can't help but to call him "scrappy".

1st base: Slim Charles.  You need the big man enforcing if you want to keep that corner unoccupied.  He is, what the old timers call, a gamer: "Game's the same, just got more fierce.".  That's a heavy hitter you want  in the middle of your line up.

2nd base:  Preston "Bodie" Broadus.  Not quite powerful enough to hold one of the corner positions on his own but slick and quick enough to help man the middle.  A true homegrown player, a road trip to Philly was his first time out of Baltimore.  Grinds out at bats so well that announcers can't help but to call him "athletic".

3rd base: Dennis "Cutty" Wise.  Was out of the game for a while but his name used to ring out so they brought him back to try and help Slim with those corners.  Still has fast hands and great foot work as a hitter but there are questions about his desire to follow through.

SS: Omar Little.  The baddest player in the game mans the toughest position in the game.  Defensively, his foot work is so smooth that he seems to appear out of nowhere to stop the play and his powerful arm has been compared to a .45.  Offensively, he specializes in the hit and run as he sprays bullets all over the field and can explode out of the batter's box like a shotgun.  By the way, if you are having thoughts about taking him out to break up the double play just keep in mind,"If you come at the king, you best not miss".

Left field: D'Angelo "D" Barksdale.  Some say he is only there because of nepotism but he is a solid player in his own right who just wishes he could move out of  left field and into center to be closer to his uncle.  Makes the plays when he has to but can sometimes take bad routes or make the wrong decision on how to handle something that is hit directly over his head.  Can be solid at the plate but often over thinks it and starts chasing out of the zone.

Center field: Russell "Stringer" Bell.  So smooth and precise in his positioning and route running that sometimes he makes it look too easy.  An intelligent defender who often has to make up for the periodic out of control play of his outfield mates.  He is the most patient batter on the team as he knows all he has to do is wait for his pitch and big things will follow.

Right field: Avon Barksdale.  Is the best player in the outfield and should be in center but you know, he is just a gangsta I suppose... and he wants his corner outfield spot.  Is quick with the bat but sometimes needs a pinch hitter like Anton "Stinkum" Artis  or Roland "Wee-Bey" Brice to do his heavy hitting for him.

Closer: Marlo "Black" Stanfield.  A young player who comes in at the end to take over the game but in order for him to do that...

Set up men(woman): Chris Partlow & Snoop Pearson.  They are the ones who come in when the game is on the line and clear out the situation so Marlo can come in at the end and take all the credit and the money.

Utility player: Leander Sydnor.  Always there on the bench in case you need him for something.

Manager: Jimmy McNulty.  Nobody knows how to manipulate the players better than McNulty.  As a bonus, the team can have a daily contest to "Guess which inning McNulty gets thrown out!".

Bench coach: Bunk Moreland.  Always gets stuck cleaning up McNulty's messes.  The two can communicate through the whole game just by saying various tones of "Mother Fucker".

Pitching coach: Howard "Bunny" Colvin.  Was instrumental in getting Carver to become the complete package.  Set up a bull pen area away from the fans.

Hitting coach: Kima Greggs.  Had to put her somewhere.

Conditioning coach: Cedric Daniels.  Seriously, have you seen his abs?

GM: Proposition Joe Stewart.  "Fools, if it wasn't for Sabean here, you and your back up catcher both would be cadaverous motherfuckers.  But I traded you to the Giants.".

Asst. GM: Lester Freamon.  By constantly listening to all the outside chatter he tells the team which players to go after.

Stats guy: Roland "Prez" Pryzbylewski.  Is really good at number puzzles and math.  Besides, he married the owner's daughter.

Owner: Stan Valchek.  White, old school, old man who's ego keeps getting in the way of what has to be done.  Did I mention he is white?

Other MLB type jobs for The Wire characters:

The baseball Commissioner: Tommy Carcetti.  Brought in to help make baseball the American Pastime again.

Head of the Players Association: Frank Sobotka.  He only wants what is best for his guys.

The tweet-loving wife of the manager: Beadie Russell. @mrsMcNulty.

The hot hitting prospect: Michael Lee.  Only a matter of time before he takes over.

The mega-agent: Clay Davis.  "You want my guy to give a hometown discount, Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!".

The asshole lawyer who owns a team that claims to have the territorial rights to all the rich counties in a given market: Maury Levy.  "...kill all the lawyers." -Shakespeare Henry VI.

The guy who goes around collecting all the used "souvenir" cups to sell them at a flea market later: Bubbles.

The kid who wants to buy those used "souvenir" cups at the flea market: Duquan "Dukie" Weems.

How Not to Answer at your Job Interview

   This interview actually happened today.  I was interviewing people to work during our harvest season at the winery I am a foreman at.  Everything said is true but I changed the names in order to protect the stupid.  Final note, I am younger than John, which seemed to bother him.


Me(interviewer): Have you worked at a winery before?
John(interviewee): Let me ask you something?
Me: Go ahead.
John: Have you ever worked at a winery before?
Me(smiling): I work at this winery(I pointed with a downward motion).
John(looking exasperated): No, I mean work at a winery?
Me(no longer smiling): Yes, I am the lead foreman for the cellar department at this winery.
John(sarcastically): But all you do is sit in an air conditioned office all day?
Me: No, I am a working foreman.
John(very smug look on his face): Well I have 12 years of winery experience.
Me: Well I have 20(which is true). (John's smug look disappears)
John: I don't really want to be here.
Me: Then why are you here?
John: I want to work at (our other facility), I don't want any of that union bullshit(our other facility is non-union while we are union).
Me(still no longer smiling): I don't think that will be a problem.  Look, I will write "send him to (other place)" on your application( I show him were I wrote it).  But I must finish this interview questionnaire.
John: I told Mary(our HR rep) that I will only work at (other place), I want to talk to Mary(who is sitting behind us conducting another interview).
Me: You can not talk to Mary, she is with somebody else.  I already wrote on your app to send you to (other place).
John(getting up, out of his chair): I want to talk to Mary(he walks over to where Mary is sitting and stands directly behind her as she is talking to another applicant).
Me(standing up and pointing at John's chair): You need to come sit down, now.
John(sitting back down, looking disgusted): OK, finish your questionnaire.
Later on in the interview...
Me: What other hobbies or interests do you enjoy?
John: I like riding motorcycles, hunting, and fishing.
Me: A bit of an outdoors man?
John(without missing a beat or any hint of irony): No.
Me(just nodding in disbelief)
John: But all the overtime I received in '99 bought my motorcycle.  It also bought me my guns, I thought you should know that.
Me(regretting all the decisions in my life that led me to this situation): Great.
The interview is finally over...
John(getting up from the table): Can I talk to Mary now?
Me(getting up as well to make sure he gets out safely):  No, she is still with another person.
John: When will you let me know if I got the job?
Me: Mary will call you.
John: Can I go talk to Jack(Jack worked at the same old winery as John but now is a boss out here in another department), he was my old boss?
Me: No, you need to leave the exact same way you came in.
John: OK, let me know when I can start.
Me(wishing I hadn't dropped out of junior college): Mary will call you when we make that decision.

Battleship! aka Independence Day 31, This time we have Boats!

    A quick review of Battleship with spoilers.

     The last couple of years I have become more and more disenfranchised with movies known as "Summer Blockbusters".  In the days of my youth these movies were the pinnacle of the movie season and I couldn't wait to stand in line for 2 hours just so I could be the first kid on my block to claim that he saw The Running Man*.  I knew these were not the best that Hollywood could make but they were big, loud, and entertaining.  For me the summer blockbuster peaked with Independence Day.  It had everything a true blockbuster could need; big stars*, big action*, big plot*, and even bigger plot holes*.  After that it seemed that every blockbuster to me was just another sequel to Independence Day.  Sure, plots and settings were different but they all used the same basic plot devices and characters types every year.  The only reason I still go is because it has been a ritual with my Dad and brother to see at least two of these movies each summer.  Battleship was the first of these movies.

     So we start with our hero, in this case Alex Hopper(Taylor Kitsch) who is truly a rebel without a cause.  He has no direction, no ambition, no cares, and no self responsibility.  Sounds like a loser but he is a loser with serious upside potential, at least according to his Navy brother, Commander Stone Cooper*(Alexander Skarsgård).  Right when everything in life seems just so bleak in walks one of God's finer creations to catch our hero's attention, Brooklyn Decker*.  So what does our hero do?  Why he makes an ass out of himself trying to impress and get her full attention.  And of course, it works*.  What woman doesn't want a guy who is willing to commit felonies in order to get her a chicken burrito?  Just think what he is willing to do to get her a diamond ring.  So to summarize, our hero gets his girl, pisses off his brother in the process, and ends up joining the Navy.  Oh by the way*, the girl's Dad happens to be the United States Pacific Fleet Commander, Admiral Shane(Liam Neeson*).  We do get a great scene of Brooklyn Decker straddling(clothed) our hero as he lies in the sand.  I don't know what they were talking about but it was a great scene, and at this point I don't really care.

     So now our hero is in the Navy(taking part in RIMPAC*) and we get an endless barrage of scenes designed to do two things; 1) our hero is still incapable of making smart decisions and 2) everybody is pissed because they know deep down there is a great man waiting to emerge.  We have the soccer scene* with our arch-rivals the Japanese* in which our hero threatens to kill a fellow Navy man* so he can kick the game tying penalty shot but our hero's brother allows it because we all know there is a great man ready to emerge.  We have the ceremony scene* that our hero and his girl(the ravishing Brooklyn Decker) are not only late to but also somewhat disrupt the speech given by United States Pacific Fleet Commander Admiral Shane.  But all of this is all right because we know there is a great man waiting to emerge.  After the ceremony our hero ends up in a bathroom brawl with his nemesis, Capt. Nagata* which leads them both into an ass-chewing from United States Pacific Fleet Commander Admiral Shane*.  But don't worry, United States Pacific Fleet Commander Admiral Shane dismisses every one else from the room and then proceeds to explain how disappointed he is in our hero because he knows there is a great man waiting to emerge.  And also because out hero can quote Homer.  To top it all off, after the fleet has set sail, our hero is called to his brother's ship so our hero can be told that he is being kicked out of the Navy after RIMPAC is over.  Will our hero be able to redeem himself and prove that he is the great man that everybody knows is waiting to emerge*?

     Long story short: the aliens splash down, blow things up real good, kill the hero's brother in the process, and establish a force field leaving only our hero, his nemesis Nagata, and rag-tag group of sailors as our planets only defense.  One way or another all the survivors end up on one boat and float around trying to decide what to do.  For some reason or another, none of the radar or advanced weapon targeting systems work so luckily Nagata has another way of tracking the aliens that apparently the Japanese have been doing to us Americans for years*.  So instead of relying on the technology we have been accustomed to the rag-tag group of sailors must rely on their wits and old fashion know how to save the day. And also a guy named Ordy*.  So even though the alien ships can survive long, interstellar flight, splash down, multiple machine gun fire, and the occasional 5inch gun, all it took was a couple of sniper rifles to shatter their windshield.  If the aliens only weakness was direct sunlight you would think they would forgo the windshield and use whatever technology that their shredders use to see.

     Oh yeah*, Brooklyn Decker is still around and not just as eye candy.  As she and her client go hiking they encounter some security officials* who tell her to stay off the mountain with the giant communication array but purposely leave one of their vehicles behind* to "block the road".  Of course no one is going to tell Brooklyn and her client what to do so they are going to investigate and end up finding themselves neck deep in aliens.  They also run into the last remaining science guy* from the communications array on top of the mountain they are on.  He, and he alone has the ability to send a message through the force field that is blocking all other communication.  But, alas, he was born without any courage so he musters what he can to get the device he needs to send the message but whimpers out* when it is time to confront the aliens at the communication array.  They were able to send a message to our hero that he needs to destroy the array on this mountain or more aliens will arrive to finish off the Earth.  But Brooklyn is on that mountain so our hero is dealing with some serious inner turmoil right now.

     So with Brooklyn's message in tow and their destroyer destroyed in their last confrontation with the aliens we finally get to the reason this movie is called Battleship and not EveryOtherShipintheNavy*.  With an actual battleship it is time to take on the biggest of the alien ships and save the world from alien manifest destiny.  So a 60 year old boat takes on a state of the art alien death ship, guess who wins?  The anti-technology groups that's who.  This movie once again proves that over reliance on technology will be our downfall.  This movie wasn't a summer blockbuster, it was a warning that we shouldn't be so proud of this technological terror we've constructed, the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of poorly constructed plots that somehow have to tie in a 60 year old boat so they can call the movie Battleship.  Oh yeah, our hero doesn't get kicked out of the Navy but is awarded medals for allowing that great man to finally emerge.






*The Running Man- In honor of Richard Dawson, RIP.

*big stars- Will Smith, Bill Pullman, a whole who's who of B-listers, and of course personal fave Adam Baldwin.

*big action- BOOM goes the giant space ship!

*big plot- The aliens thought they could attack us around the 4th of July?  The time of year when everybody is feeling patriotic and can't wait to blow things up.

*plot holes- This is a story for another time.

*Stone Cooper-You just know something bad is going to happen to him right?  Arl of Foreshadow: Yes, yes there is.

*Brooklyn Decker- I didn't even bother to find out her character's name.  You can go investigate if you want, if it is that important to you.

*it works- If making an ass out of yourself in front of the ladies worked in real life then I wouldn't be cooped up in my room writing this.

*by the way- Big Coincidence #1: The rebel without a cause falls head over heels in love with a girl who's dad is one of the biggest bosses of the military wing that not only the brother is in but also the hero himself is about to join to learn some direction in life.

*Liam Neeson- Seriously, why is he in this movie?  He has little screen time and generic military-boss type lines.  Wasn't R. Lee Ermey available?

*RIMPAC- RIM of the PACific Exorcise is a real thing.

*soccer scene- This scene also establishes two other plot points.  1) Our hero has a personal nemesis in the form of a Japanese captain named Nagata.  2) Rihanna is both sexy and fierce as a fellow shipmate of our hero.

*Japanese- I guess they couldn't get the North Koreans to join RIMPAC even for pretendsies.

*Navy man- Which I am pretty sure would get you thrown in the brig.

*ceremony scene- We also get a little exposition as to the differences between a battleship and a destroyer. Also I think any Navy man who did this in real life would also get thrown in the brig.

*Capt. Nagata- Do you think our hero and his nemesis can put their childish rivalry behind them in time to pull together as a team and save the planet?  Arl of Foreshadow: Yes, yes they can.

*Shane- Oh yeah, our hero is also trying to work up the courage to ask United States Pacific Fleet Commander Admiral Shane his permission to marry Brooklyn Decker so this scene has a lot of underlying tension.

*emerge- Arl of Foreshadow: Yes, yes he does.

*for years- See why they are our arch-rivals?

*Ordy- Boatswain Mate Seaman Jimmy 'Ordy' Ord- Big Coincidence #2:  So Ordy was looking through the helmet of one the aliens that they had captured and later killed when it suddenly dawned on him to think about his pet lizard who he had taken to the beach this one time only to discover that his lizard didn't like sunlight so naturally when he looked through the helmet and noticed that the visor was just big sunglasses therefore the aliens can not stand direct sunlight just like his pet lizard so he reported all of this to our hero who will probably use this info to his advantage.  Arl of Foreshadow: Yes, yes he will.

*Oh yeah- Big Coincidence #3: So Brooklyn is not only drop dead gorgeous but she is also an excellent physical therapist who specializes in war veterans and is currently working with a man who has lost both his legs and now is learning to use artificial devices but has lost his will because "I'm half a man and half a man ain't enough to be a soldier" so she decides to take him on a hike up the mountain that the only communication device that the aliens can use to phone home on is located on.

*security officials- Toasted by the aliens.


*vehicles behind- Will that vehicle become a major plot point later?  Arl of Foreshadow: Yes, yes it will.

*science guy- The film makers did a great job of digitally recreating a young Jeff Goldblum.  Must of been a homage to Independence Day.

*whimpers out- He keeps going on about being scared and spineless.  Will he muster enough courage to save his comrades when they need him most?  Arl of Foreshadow: Yes, yes he will.

*EveryOtherShipintheNavy- Big Coincidence #4- So not only is there a crew ready on the Mighty Mo but also fuel, live ammunition(HUH?), and enough hi-powered torches to cut through the large chains holding the ship to the docks.